Can We Talk? Communication That Builds a Stronger Marriage
Marriage Work: Communication That Builds Intimacy
Most marriage problems don't stem from a complete lack of communication. Husbands and wives communicate constantly. Sometimes with words, expressions, silence, tone of voice, and even the way they walk out of a room.
The real question is this: Is our communication drawing us closer together or pushing us farther apart?
Scripture reminds us:
“Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord.”
—Psalm 19:14, KJV
That is a worthy prayer for every married couple. We do not simply need God to govern what comes out of our mouths. We also need Him to govern what is happening in our hearts.
Speaking Honestly Without Attacking
Healthy communication requires assertiveness. That does not mean being demanding, loud, or controlling. It means expressing your feelings and needs honestly while treating your spouse with dignity.
Criticism usually begins with an accusation:
“You never listen to me.”
“You always care more about work than you do about us.”
“You don’t care how I feel.”
Statements like these immediately put a spouse on the defensive. Even if there is a legitimate concern underneath the accusation, it may never be heard.
A healthier approach is to speak from your own experience:
“When this happens, I feel…”
“What I need is…”
“Would you be willing to…?”
This is not a clever communication trick. It is a way of telling the truth in love. You are taking responsibility for your feelings while giving your spouse a clear opportunity to respond.
Listening to Understand
Good communication requires more than learning how to speak. It also requires learning how to listen.
James 1:19 tells us to be “swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.” Many disagreements become worse because both spouses are preparing their next response instead of listening to what the other person is saying.
Active listening means slowing down long enough to restate your spouse’s message before offering your explanation, correction, or defense.
You might say:
“What I hear you saying is…”
“It sounds like you felt…”
“Have I understood you correctly?”
Restating your spouse’s concern does not necessarily mean you agree with every conclusion. It simply communicates, “You matter enough for me to understand you before I answer you.”
What This Can Sound Like
Imagine that one spouse feels ignored because the other frequently checks a phone during evening conversations.
An unhealthy exchange might sound like this:
“You are always on that phone. You care more about it than you care about me.”
“That’s ridiculous. I’ve worked all day, and now you’re looking for something else to complain about.”
The original concern has now been buried under accusation and defensiveness.
Here is a healthier way to approach the same issue.
Speaker: “When I am telling you about my day and you continue looking at your phone, I feel unimportant and disconnected from you. I would like us to have fifteen minutes after supper when we put our phones away and give each other our full attention. I think that would help me feel closer to you.”
Listener: “You’re saying that when I look at my phone while you’re talking, you feel pushed aside. You would like fifteen phone-free minutes after supper because that would help you feel heard and closer to me. Is that what you mean?”
Speaker: “Yes. I’m not asking you to ignore your phone all evening. I just want a little time when we are fully present with each other.”
Listener: “That makes sense. Let’s begin tonight. If I am expecting something urgent from work, I will tell you beforehand instead of checking my phone throughout our conversation.”
Notice what happened. The speaker described a specific behavior, named the feeling it produced, and made a practical request. The listener did not immediately defend or explain. The listener first made sure the message had been understood. Together, they found a reasonable solution.
That kind of conversation strengthens intimacy because the goal is no longer to win. The goal is to understand one another and care for the marriage.
A Simple Daily Practice
Strong communication is not built only during serious conversations. It grows through small, faithful moments of connection.
Set aside five minutes each day and ask one another:
What did you enjoy about our relationship today?
Was there a moment when you felt disappointed or disconnected?
What could I do that would be helpful to you tomorrow?
Keep this time brief and safe. Do not use it to unload a list of complaints. Listen carefully, receive what your spouse says, and look for one practical way to serve.
Also make it a habit to offer at least one sincere compliment each day. Be specific when possible:
“Thank you for being patient with the children tonight.”
“I appreciate the way you encouraged me before that meeting.”
“I love how you make our home feel welcoming.”
A genuine compliment tells your spouse, “I still see you. I notice what you contribute. I am grateful God gave you to me.”
Three Questions Before You Speak
Before raising a difficult subject, ask yourself:
Is what I am about to say true?
Can I say it in a way that promotes healing?
Am I willing to listen as carefully as I want my spouse to listen to me?
Proverbs 12:18 warns that reckless words can wound like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Our words can leave scars, or they can become instruments of grace in the hands of God.
Marriage work is often heart work. Learning to communicate well requires humility, patience, self-control, and forgiveness. It means examining the log in our own eye before concentrating on the speck in our spouse’s eye.
You will not handle every conversation perfectly. No couple does. When you speak harshly, apologize. When you misunderstand, slow down and listen again. When an issue continues to overwhelm your relationship, seek help from a pastor or qualified marriage counselor before resentment takes deeper root.
The goal is not merely to avoid arguments. The goal is to create a marriage in which both husband and wife can speak honestly, listen compassionately, and use their words to build one another up.
Source acknowledgment: The practical communication principles in this article, including assertiveness, active listening, intentional daily dialogue, and daily compliments, were adapted and expanded from the Biblical Workbook for Couples, © 2017 PREPARE/ENRICH, pages 6–8. Learn more at PREPARE/ENRICH. This is one of the tools our Pastors use in Premarital Counseling work.